How to mend a broken heart

December 26, 2014 ~ I discovered a song by The Wailin’ Jennys that has become one of my greatest sources of strength since our son's recent psychotic break and subsequent hospitalization. Seriously, this song has become the soundtrack to my life lately. I have listened to it over....and over.....and over......So I use it as a background to some thoughts I've had over the past weeks in hopes that it will strengthen you, too.

A favorite quote making it's way around these days is, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option". Through the last 5 weeks I've had to muster my strength - from calling 911 and praying the police would be gentle, to not freaking out when my 20 year old son was given a roommate who is chronically psychotic and heading toward his 60th birthday. I don't know where I found the strength to not walk out on the psychiatrist who suggested that 30 days in the county jail would be the answer to all my son's problems. Somewhere I found the courage; I was brave. But it's exhausting to always be strong. And it's OK not to be sometimes.

I look back now and I realize that we've been heading toward a dark place for several months. Psychosis has taken my son to one of the darkest places I've ever accompanied him to. And I'm sure it was much darker for him than it was for me. But love shines light in the darkness. And sometimes all we need is just a little spark of light - just enough to see where to put our next footstep.

Angels surround us. Sometimes those angels are neighbors who let you borrow their phone to call 911 when yours has been taken from you in a fit of rage; sometimes those angels are nurses and social workers who take time to talk you off of your own personal ledge. Sometimes those angels are loved ones who have gone before us and are guiding, strengthening, loving us from where they are. There are kind police officers, gentle paramedics, and calm and concerned physicians. My angels, all of them.

Every moment of every day I wish my son didn't have to deal with this horrendous illness. And I wish I didn't have to watch him deal with it. But here we are. So I will always be the Mother who Refused to Give Up. I will advocate for him when he can't speak for himself. He will get his medication and rehab. He will get the help he needs, no matter what I have to do to get it for him in the broken system we call mental health care. And I hope that one day this kind of courage won't be necessary.