Self care. It’s a phrase that gets tossed around a lot these days. But what does it really mean, and how do you do it when every moment of every day seems to be taken up by meeting the needs of everyone else?

There have been many times when I felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore. The demands of dealing with mental illness in my child were slowly but surely wearing me down and, while I knew I needed to take better care of myself, I was intimidated by the very idea of self care. I envisioned an hour in the gym every morning before work, 10 hours of sleep every night, drinking green smoothies instead of snacking on bacon, and topping off the day with a 15 minute mindfulness meditation. It felt very complicated and overwhelming.

But I had all the wrong ideas about what it meant. That isn’t to say that exercise, sleep, and healthy eating aren’t attainable and worthwhile - it’s just that I couldn’t manage to fit all of that in at the level the internet told me I should, while also doing everything everyone else needed from me.

Self care isn’t good for much if you’re killing yourself trying to make it happen.

I can’t tell you what self care looks like for you. Only you know what you need, and how to meet those needs. But I can offer to you what I found has worked for me. Every day, ask yourself this simple question:

What is the one thing I can do for myself today that would make me feel strong, healthy, confident, comforted, special, or loved?

I’ve been known to buy myself flowers (having grown tired of complaining that no one buys me flowers anymore), and sometimes I can be found at the Corner Bakery at lunchtime, getting away from work by myself for a quick, favorite pasta dish.

I put the phone away before I get into bed, listen to Chopin nocturnes while taking a shower in the morning, and treat myself to a guilt-free bowl of Haagen-Dazs mint chocolate chip ice cream every now and then.

A walk without earbuds in to muffle the sound of nature, rolling the windows down and turning the music up on the ride home from work, or stopping at the library for a new book to read only take a few minutes, and help me feel as if I’m important, I’m worth spending time on, and I really can face the demands of dealing with mental illness without being crushed by it.

I still have bad days where the challenges of supporting my son through the challenges of his mental illness just seem like more than I can manage. On those days, I say no to things that don’t matter, no to people who just want one more thing from me, and no to worrying about things and people I can’t influence. I give myself a break, stay off of social media, and trust that things are unfolding just as they should - with or without me working so hard.

Loving someone with a mental illness is hard. It is not your fault that your loved one is sick, or that the medications don't work, or that he won't eat or take a shower. There's nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening, and nothing you could have known that would make things any different than they are right now.

Most times there is no clear answer to the problems mental illness presents, so give yourself a break, and know that whatever you did today was good enough for today. Lay down the sword, and take off the armor. Have a good cry. Take a long hot shower. Then take the lessons from today, and make tomorrow a better day.

So you see, self care isn’t about spending hours or lots of money on yourself . It’s really about just paying attention to how you feel, inserting little treats for yourself into the day, and taking care of yourself the way you take care of everyone else - with presence, with love, and with intention.

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