The trauma of mental illness

You’ll find a way

Both for you and for the person you love.

I spend a lot of time on here talking about our children who are struggling with mental illness, but tonight I want to talk about YOU for a minute. I want to share my experience in hopes that it will help you.

Our entrance onto this journey was a mental health crisis experienced by our very young, very confused, and very frightened son. It was a scary, heart-wrenching event that shoved us into the realization that something was BAD WRONG and we needed to act decisively and do it NOW. This started a whole series of events that left me feeling overwhelmed and alone.

Leaving our son in a psychiatric unit left me feeling helpless. Realizing he had been sick for a while and I had missed it left me feeling guilty and ashamed. And wondering what was going to happen next left me feeling frightened and sometimes terrified - especially when the doctor casually dropped shock therapy into the treatment options as if he were talking about removing a hangnail.

That's a post for another day.

Eventually I came crawling out of the wreckage and realized that I had truly been traumatized by what had happened.

At the risk of getting all scientific on you, let me share what I drummed up on the internet: the official definition of emotional or psychological trauma is trauma that results from an extraordinarily stressful event (yeah....I think we're there....). Any situation that leaves you feeling overwhelmed and alone can be traumatic, even if it doesn't involve physical harm. It's not the objective facts that determine whether an event is traumatic, but your subjective emotional experience of the event.

Knowing how mental illness can turn the lives of a whole family upside down I am well aware that many of you are still being traumatized by your child's illness. Trying to find the right diagnosis. Accepting the diagnosis when it does come. Worrying about the future. Dealing with the behaviors. Suffering the disappointment of lost opportunities and "normal" experiences for your child. Feeling like you're fighting the system. All of this is traumatic.

And I know you've layered on a nice coat of guilt just in case all the outside stuff wasn't enough.

Some tips:

If you're feeling overwhelmed and alone, don't isolate yourself. Ask for support. Join a NAMI group. Find a friend who understands or will at least listen sympathetically to you for a minute. Find an activity that is meaningful for you. For me, it was starting this Facebook page. Remember that most people you know have absolutely no idea what you're going through but they know you're dealing with something nasty and they want to help. Don't be afraid to tell them what you need.

Stay grounded. Do things that make you feel better and allow yourself to indulge in that good feeling. Too often we won't let ourselves enjoy something because our child can't. How does that help? It doesn't.

Take care of your health. You're no good to anyone - including your children - if you're unhealthy yourself. At the very least, take a vitamin every day. It's better than nothing.

And try to see the good in the world. Trust me, I know that in the middle of all this it's hard to see any beauty in anything. Activities that used to be enjoyable just seem like way too much trouble. Music that used to make you smile now just sounds like noise. All the colors seem to fade. But there are good things happening around you; try to find them and be grateful for them. A Gratitude Journal is a great place to find your own therapy.

These are only things to try. It's not easy, that's for sure. Some days it's hard to know how you'll ever pull out of it intact. But you will. You'll find a way - both for you and the person you love.