The Dance

May 29, 2015 ~ Just when I think I have a pretty good handle on staying positive, this happens:

The unit my son is in was invited to participate in a dance in their building sponsored by some local church youth. Remember that these are very mentally ill young men now put into a normal social occasion for people their age. He was quite excited about the idea. All I could think was, "Dear God, please let those girls be nice to him."

I ended our visit and sent him back on the unit to change his shirt since personal hygiene is still a thing. Watching through the window of the door to the unit, I see him come out of his room with his hair combed (!!!) and wearing a clean shirt, but he's also wearing his winter ski jacket. (He wears this coat all the time; I think he feels safe in it.) So I made silent "take off your coat" motions through the window, instructions which he surprisingly understood and complied with.

At that moment, the thought came to me: he's never really been to a dance. Schizophrenia stole that experience from him. We'd had such a good visit; I was feeling slightly hopeful but, so quickly, the little black cloud returned when this thought entered my mind. It was just so painful to see him trying so hard.

I hugged him, told him to have fun and, as I walked out to my car, I noticed that the water park next to the State Hospital is now open and filled with laughing, swimming, sliding kids - many of them his age. I could see them climbing the stairs to the slides, inner tubes in hand. But he isn't with them. He can't be. He's in a locked psychiatric unit, having to take meds that make him sleep for 16 hours a day so that the demons, and the shadowy man with the black face mask, and the aliens in space ships will leave him alone.

The next day I asked him how the dance was and he said, "Oh, it was good. I didn't get to slow dance, though."

I had to look away from him for a moment so the tears wouldn't start.

I am so angry at the unfairness of this illness. And I am so sad for him. Tomorrow will be better. I know that. And he's improving little by little, which I am so grateful for. But still......I wish it didn't have to be this way.