The Walking Wounded

There are times when you’re cruising through your day, minding your own business, happy as a lark, and here comes someone who is so caustic or rude or hostile that you’re sent reeling into a place of shock and anger. Or maybe your loved one who has a mental illness is on edge, saying harsh things, or seems to be angry or critical of you for no reason.

These people are the Walking Wounded.

The Walking Wounded have been so traumatized that they struggle to see the good in situations, or effectively deal with problems. They lash out, criticize, and alienate others and, in the process, grow their wound with every interaction because they eat people alive - then wonder why they’re so miserable.

And then we wonder, “What’s wrong with you??”

These people have a tendency to drag us down with them, so that when it’s over we’re all miserable. Just. Miserable.

So how do we deal with the Walking Wounded? How do we survive the interactions we have with them, and perhaps even help them just a little? Here are some ideas:

It’s not personal. Recognizing that this person’s attack on you is probably not personal is the first step to keeping some objective distance. Often, this person is just mad at everyone and everything and, if you look like a target, they’ll unload their anger on you. If you can, try to find some understanding behind why they’re so angry. Remember that someone who has a mental illness is dealing with feelings and thoughts that we really could never imagine. I’d be angry too if I was constantly hearing voices, or felt raunchy because of medications I had to take. If there’s no time (maybe this person is a complete stranger), just assume that they aren’t after you personally and walk away.

Set boundaries. It’s fine to say, “It’s OK for you to be angry, but I can’t allow you to talk to me this way.” Follow that up with a suggestion to take a break from the conversation and get back together when everyone can talk more calmly. My mother has always said, “You can’t be a doormat unless you lie down”. You are not expected to allow the Walking Wounded to step all over you. Stand up for yourself, but do it gently, kindly, and respectfully. Quietly helps, too.

Ask a different question. As we all know, sometimes the people who need love the most are the ones who seem to deserve it the least. If possible, try to look past the claws and fangs and see the hurting heart. There is something to be said for asking, “What has happened to you?” rather than “What is wrong with you?”

Hang in there. If the Walking Wounded you encounter is your loved one with mental illness, take care of yourself, but know that if you quit on them they may not have anyone else.

As Studs Terkel said, “To survive the day is triumph enough for the walking wounded among the great many of us.” He must have known someone who has a mental illness.