When All You Get Is No
Today I had a conversation with a colleague who, after thanking me for being open with our journey with mental illness, proceeded to tell me that his 22 year old son is suffering with severe anxiety and depression but refuses to see a therapist.
His situation is so common, and can be related to therapy or meds or just about anything someone needs to do to recover from their mental illness and thrive. Lack of insight (in other words, not realizing that an illness exists) can be the culprit. Sometimes it has to do with someone not wanting to deal with the side effects of medication, or not being able to trust a therapist.
So what do you do when all you get is no?
Here are some suggestions:
Try to put yourself in their shoes. It is devastating to know you have a chronic illness that has no cure, and that you have to take medications that have nasty side effects for the rest of your life. What level of courage must it take to accept this? Trying to understand your loved one’s perspective, and seeking to understand why they don’t want to take their medications, will help you know better how to respond to “no”.
Your loved one is in control. As hard as it might be to back away and allow someone to make choices that you know aren’t the best, you must accept and reinforce with your loved one that choices about medications and treatment are theirs to make. You might be surprised how effective avoiding Command and Control tactics can be. None of us really likes being told what to do, even when what’s being told to us makes absolute sense. Gentle encouragement can often work better than brute force and threats.
Encourage honesty with providers. Whether it be medication side effects, disturbing symptoms, or mistrust, it’s important to encourage your loved one to be as open as possible with providers (physicians and therapists) so that they can intervene effectively and help. Many of the side effects of medications can be controlled with other medications so, reassuring your loved one that the provider is there to help and listen, but not to control, can promote a sense of trust and openness. And as tempting as it might be, don’t push your loved one to share with you what he talks about with providers. Give him some space - space that you would want, too, if you were in the same boat.
The Secret Combination. Many people feel like they can handle their illness on their own through things such as prayer, meditation, exercise, or nutritional supplements. Approach this with a combination of support for healthy life choices (after all, none of those things on the list are bad!), but combine that with encouragement for getting help from experts who have helped others.
Find support. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) has wonderful Peer to Peer and Family Support Groups where you and your loved one can learn from others who are encountering the same challenges. It does help to know that you aren’t the first to encounter these problems, and you certainly aren’t alone in the challenges you’re facing. If you aren’t interested in groups right now, you can also just call and talk to someone, tell them what’s going on, and get support and ideas for coping. You can find your local affiliate of NAMI here.
If “Please take your medications” or “Why won’t you go talk to the therapist” are phrases you hear yourself saying over and over again, try some of these strategies and see if they help.
And remember that being persistent and consistent is a good approach, but don’t forget that patient, gentle, and understanding are key as well.