State Hospital anniversary

April 23, 2017 ~ I celebrate the strangest anniversaries.

Today marks 2 years of hospitalization at the State Hospital. Isn't it strange how difficult and challenging times put our ability to remember things on overdrive?

You could name any time during the day on April 23, 2015 and I can tell you exactly what was happening. 7:30 am was when the sheriff's deputy put the shackles on him for transfer (that's something I wish I COULD forget....). 11:00 am is when we left him to get settled in. I ate Beef Donburi for lunch at a little Japanese restaurant in the center of town. 3:10 pm is when we met and visited with his psychiatrist.

I don't know why this day sticks in my head the way it does. It just does. I don't know why his admission there was such an event for me. It just was.

That being said, I've learned many things about schizophrenia, and meds, and commitment hearings, and the mental health care system - but the greatest learning has been what I've learned about myself in the last two years.

I've learned lessons about where my vulnerabilities and weaknesses are, as well as lessons about how strong I can be when I have to be.

I've learned when I'm coming up on having had enough, and how to take a break before I come unglued.

I've overcome fears - and in some things have become absolutely fearless.

I've learned that God puts people in our paths for reasons we don't always understand, but for whom we should be eternally grateful.

I've learned that trust is a gift that is hard to give, and easy to lose.

And I've learned that having expectations of other people - especially someone with a serious mental illness - is a recipe for disappointment. Accepting what is happening today, not regretting the past, and not worrying about the future is vital to allowing yourself a little peace.

Finally, hard things can be done. And if I've survived the hard things I've had to do to this point, I can survive the next hard thing.

I still have many moments of grief over what's been lost. After all this time, I still get a pang in my heart every time I leave him at the hospital after a visit.

I doubt that will ever go away.

But compared to two years ago, I feel a little better today. Stronger. More hopeful. The treatment team and, especially, his amazing physician have incredible clinical skills. But they understand that, while their clinical skills are crucial, it's not always the most important thing they do. Sometimes the most important thing they do is to help people like me navigate through the times when we need their clinical expertise.

To say that I love them to pieces is an understatement.

And to my son.....he has inspired me with his courage to go through experiences I can't even imagine and still keep going, We've been doing this for a few years now. There's a long road ahead of us. But you can trust that for as long as I'm his mom, I will be here.