Looking Forward

You never know ahead of time what something’s really going to be like (Katherine Paterson)

Several Januaries ago, our family was driving from Austin, Texas to Idaho. We wanted to make the best time possible, so we drove late into the night before stopping in Somewhere, Oklahoma. The temperature was a level of windy, wintery cold that was intolerable, and the darkness made it feel even colder. We looked for a familiar hotel but, because we were in the middle of nowhere, there were no options except for two small rooms at a Mom and Pop motel off the interstate.

There’s a fine balance between too tired to go on, and not tired enough to deal with a questionable motel. We were tired enough.

In order to save money, the motel owner didn’t turn the heat on in the rooms until someone was there to stay in them, so the room was not only small and dingy, it was ice cold as well. I’ll admit, in the dim light of the one lamp in the room, I checked for bedbugs on the mattress.

It was a long night. I was anxious being in a strange place, and I couldn’t sleep. With my senses highly attuned to every noise the wind made outside the door, I envisioned all kinds of mischief happening, and at one point even thought I heard people talking outside the door about how to get into our car . The room never warmed up, and I was miserable.

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough the next morning. In fact, because we decided to bypass the “continental breakfast” of stale doughnuts and watered down orange juice, it was still dark when we left.

But as the sun rose over the Oklahoma plains, my spirits rose also. The car warmed up, and the brightness of the sun coming over the horizon put the darkness of the night behind me. As I drove mile by mile away from that motel, the emotions I had felt all night got put to rest, and I cheered up.

As we approach a new year, many who are in the dark are looking forward to the sun coming over the horizon. The promise of a new year brings with it the hopes for better days, less pain, fewer trials. To some, the hopes for a miracle are also present.

I’m conflicted when it comes to New Year’s Day. The pragmatic side of me knows its just another day on the calendar. But we’ve filled the New Year holiday with such symbolism, that it’s hard to resist the idea that this year will be different - better - filled with good things.

In spite of my conflict, I do know this. If you’re in the battle with mental illness, that battle will go on. There will be times that feel like the night I spent in that motel - cold, dark, and filled with anxiety. But those experiences can be less intense when we look for - and enjoy - the times that bring feelings of warmth, light, happiness, and moving forward.

The nights are always dark. But the sun always rises, too.

So I hope, for you and those you love, and especially for the person you love who has a mental illness, that 2019 always brings the sun rising after the dark nights.

Happy New Year..