The First Day is the Worst Day
Today, you experienced the first day on the mental illness journey with your child.
It may have looked like an attempt at self harm. Perhaps it was an encounter with law enforcement because he shoplifted, got caught, and ran. Maybe you found the bottles of Robitussin under the bed - evidence of self medicating to deal with the voices, or the anxiety, or the darkness.
Whatever it looked like, you are now in a place that looks strange and unfamiliar. This is new territory, and it’s scary. The control you had over life seems to be gone, and doctors and nurses - people who seemed so helpful and safe - are using threatening words like restraints, and forced medication hearings, and psychosis. Worst of all - if hospitalization is the plan, you’re now locked on the outside, having to trust people you’ve never met to take care of the person you love.
It feels like a big black hole. I get it.
So here are some rules for the beginning of the journey:
Be safe. Safety is everything. I know you don’t want your child hospitalized. You think you can take better care of him at home. You can’t. You don't have the ability to create a safe enough environment where you can sleep at night knowing that he won’t hurt himself. You don’t have the skills (yet) to manage his anxiety or the delusional thoughts that turn you into the enemy. So when they start talking about putting him in the hospital, LET THEM. Of course it isn’t what you want, but this is about him being safe and getting the help he needs. Hospitalization isn’t permanent and, unfortunately, may be an occasional part of your lives going forward. Make your peace with the fact that they know what they’re doing.
Be positive. Things look a little bleak right now. But it will get better, I promise. Remember - the first day is the worst day. And, even though it may take some time to be on a more positive path, at least you know now what you’ve been dealing with. He wasn’t just being a contrary and strange teenager. He has an illness, and just knowing and accepting that fact makes tomorrow better. As they say, better the devil you know that the one you don’t.
Be smart. The more you know about the illness, how it works, what the symptoms are, and how it’s treated, the better you’re going to be at advocating for what he needs. Read everything. Don’t be afraid to ask questions.
Be brave. Courage is a necessary weapon in this battle, so don’t be intimidated by anything or anyone. The large majority of people who are working in this field are doing so because they want to make a difference. Trust that, and learn to be allies with them.
Be relentless. There will be days in the future when you’ll want to give up. DON’T. Don’t ever, ever give up. Because if you give up, who does he have? You may be the only thing that stands between him and prison, homelessness, or a life of untreated psychosis. This is going to test your resolve, and your love, and your faith, and your strength. It may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. But giving up on someone who needs your love, now more than ever, is not an option.
Be gentle. Handle yourself with care by recognizing that this is a very difficult thing you’re being asked to face. It’s OK to feel angry, scared, frustrated, discouraged, lost. Allow those feelings to be acknowledged, but don’t get stuck there. The best thing you can do for your child is to take care of yourself, so don’t skip lunch or reach for drugs or alcohol. Get a good night’s sleep. If social media makes your anxiety worse, take the app off your phone so it’s hard to get to it. Find your own therapist - someone who can help you process everything that’s going on. Do one thing every day that makes you feel special.
Be patient. This is a marathon, not a sprint. There will be good days and bad days. Times when he’ll take the medications and times he won’t. Times when you’ll think the illness is finally getting under control only for it to rage again. But with every passing day, you’re a little wiser, and a little more knowledgeable, and a little closer to having youro child back. It will happen. See Rule #5.
Can we help you get through the first day? Or the 100th? Or the 1000th? If so, reach out to us. We are here.
Stay strong, moms.
